is to go to the bathroom alone.
Bill Cosby said it best in this bit he did on Himself:
I later found out that mothers, all mothers, put a curse on their children. They say, “I hope, when you get married, you have some children who act exactly the same way that you act.”
As a kid, I would lay on the floor in the hallway and press my lips to the bathroom door and yell, “DADDY! DADDY ARE YOU IN THERE?!” And it would be all silent. I would ramp up my attack and shove my fingers under the door and wiggle them in a vain attempt to get a reply. Why? I don’t know. I was a weird kid. I never understood why my dad would get so irritated. I thought it was charming.
But now, well, now I know. It’s the only place in the house where you even have a remote chance of being completely and totally alone. In all actuality, you could hole up in there for quite a bit. I mean, there’s a lock on the door! There’s running water should you get dehydrated. You can keep clean and of course, you are in the perfect spot for when nature strikes. It’s like an in-house bunker for parents. (Don’t think I haven’t thought of storing snacks in there. But then I’m like, ew.)
But it’s just a dream. Hope is futile in the game known as Let’s See How Long Mommy Can Be In The Bathroom Undetected. It will never happen as long as there are kids living in the house. I learned long ago that the door being shut is just an accelerator. The Littles see a shut door and they become laser focused on figuring out why I have the door shut.
“Mommy are you in there?”
“Are you going bathroom?”
“Are you pooping or just pee-peeing?” (this is my personal favorite.)
“Wheeeeen are yoooooou going to be donnnnnnnne?”
And inevitably this line of questioning always escalates and before I can even get my first courtesy flush in, someone has touched someone and there is a full-on ALL CAPS SHOUTY WAR going on outside the door.
So for now I just leave the door open. Sure it’s gross and they come in and out and ask why i’m always pooping or why my stomach looks the way it does? (I tell them BECAUSE OF YOU THAT’S WHY.) but it’s just easier if I leave it open.
Cause no matter what, they are going to try and get your attention:
That went on the entire time, btw.
PS– yes, yes I did have my phone in the potty. Like you don’t tweet from the toilet.
PPS– those floors need mopping like something fierce. And their room is CRAZY. But, I’ve decided not to make Everything Perfect for pictures and videos anymore. That’s our life for reals.