the only thing i wish for as a parent…

is to go to the bathroom alone.

Bill Cosby said it best in this bit he did on Himself:

I later found out that mothers, all mothers, put a curse on their children. They say, “I hope, when you get married, you have some children who act exactly the same way that you act.”

~Bill Cosby

As a kid, I would lay on the floor in the hallway and press my lips to the bathroom door and yell, “DADDY! DADDY ARE YOU IN THERE?!” And it would be all silent. I would ramp up my attack and shove my fingers under the door and wiggle them in a vain attempt to get a reply. Why? I don’t know. I was a weird kid. I never understood why my dad would get so irritated. I thought it was charming.

But now, well, now I know. It’s the only place in the house where you even have a remote chance of being completely and totally alone. In all actuality, you could hole up in there for quite a bit. I mean, there’s a lock on the door! There’s running water should you get dehydrated. You can keep clean and of course, you are in the perfect spot for when nature strikes. It’s like an in-house bunker for parents. (Don’t think I haven’t thought of storing snacks in there. But then I’m like, ew.)

But it’s just a dream. Hope is futile in the game known as Let’s See How Long Mommy Can Be In The Bathroom Undetected. It will never happen as long as there are kids living in the house. I learned long ago that the door being shut is just an accelerator. The Littles see a shut door and they become laser focused on figuring out why I have the door shut.

“Mommmmmmy?”

“Mommy are you in there?”

“Are you going bathroom?”

“Are you pooping or just pee-peeing?” (this is my personal favorite.)

“Wheeeeen are yoooooou going to be donnnnnnnne?”

And inevitably this line of questioning always escalates and before I can even get my first courtesy flush in, someone has touched someone and there is a full-on ALL CAPS SHOUTY WAR going on outside the door.

So for now I just leave the door open. Sure it’s gross and they come in and out and ask why i’m always pooping or why my stomach looks the way it does? (I tell them BECAUSE OF YOU THAT’S WHY.) but it’s just easier if I leave it open.

Cause no matter what, they are going to try and get your attention:

That went on the entire time, btw.

PS– yes, yes I did have my phone in the potty. Like you don’t tweet from the toilet.

PPS– those floors need mopping like something fierce. And their room is CRAZY. But, I’ve decided not to make Everything Perfect for pictures and videos anymore. That’s our life for reals. ;)

the case of anxiety & missed opportunities…

here’s the thing with anxiety, it can pop up at any time without warning. you are just going along with life, feeling normal for once.  maybe you’ve been making progress by talking to strangers more– or using the phone to actually call people. you’re feeling great and dare i say a bit optimistic with the world?  and then, BOOM, anxiety hits and you’re back to avoiding all communication with people, both real and virtual.

it’s the worst feeling to be back “there” after a period of “normalness”. words like Failure and Abnormal run circles through your brain, keeping you numb and isolated internally and yet, you still function externally.  you go to work and come home and make dinner and watch crap TV. you still smile and laugh at things. but the whole time, in the back of your mind, it’s there just waiting for you to acknowledge it…

You.Aren’t.Functioning.Normally.

you can’t do everyday things like answer emails or make phone calls. it’s maddening because you have no idea how big the wake of destruction will be this time. missed opportunities? ruined relationships? you learn to live with these consequences when it’s just you, but what if it extends to your kids and they miss out because of your setback?? that my friends is The Worst Feeling EVER.

and the thing is, you can’t explain it. you can’t tell people the reason behind your sudden flakiness, because 1) you keep it hidden from the general population and 2) it just sounds so stupid, “hey, sorry, but i can’t use the phone without breaking into full body sweats and dry-heaving. thanks!”

so why write about it here, right? for all the world to see? because right now, someone out there might be trapped in an Anxiety Spiral too. maybe they just need to see that they aren’t alone. maybe they need to relate to someone in a time when everything feels so very un-relatable.

and maybe this post is also for those with loved ones that “disappear” for periods of time.  for all those times we let your call go to voicemail…for all the times we’ve not replied to your texts…for all those unanswered emails…you still reach out to us…Thank You.

necessity is the mother of invention…

hello lovers...

hello lovers…

There are times in your life that you dread. Like when you are out of toliet paper on the roll and have to penguin walk to the cabinet to get more all the while thinking “don’t drip, don’t drip, DON’T DRIP”. Or when you run out of ALL your toiletries at once and you have to take out a small loan to replenish everything, so in the mean time you are all up in your travel bag looking for just one travel shampoo to use for your entire body. Or when you run out of clean underwear and you do the whole bathing suit as underwear thing. (Bonus points if you still don’t do laundry and run out of bathing suits and just go commando. Not that I would know…)

Yep, when these mini crises happen, you have to get resourceful and shamefully do what you got to do to move on with your life. Sometimes it’s not pretty. Like when the unthinkable happens– you run out of snacks. Be it salty or sweet, everyone has snacks in their cupboards. For me they are sweets and um, they are tiered.

Tier One is your actual, branded snacks: Little Debbies, Chips Ahoy, Whathaveyou. Then there’s Tier Two, for when you run out of Tier One– cookie dough that you eat raw, that jar of frosting that suddenly becomes Animal Cracker dip. You know what I’m talking about.

But then, well, then there’s Tier Three, aka, Critical Mass, which is what I hit tonight. No frosting, no cookie dough, not even a healthy muffin with chocolate chips to deceive myself into thinking it was an Otis Spunkmeyer muffin. Nope. Nothing…

And this is when desperation hits, because all your options are gone. You can’t leave the house to get something because that would require putting pants on. So you forage for anything that resembles something not healthy. I mean, I have a whole fridge full of fruit for desert, but when Snack Time hits, well, nothing else will suffice. And desperate times call for desperate measures my friends, aka, I found the leftover semi-sweet chocolate baking chips that I used in my “healthy” breakfast muffins and have been eating handfuls of them like it’s my job, yo. There is no shame in my snacking game. Case in point, when I went to tuck The Littles in I grabbed a handful of chips on the way to their room and shoved half in my mouth. I kept the other half hidden in my hand and only gave them a one armed hug. F knew something was up and said, “Mommy, why do you smell like cookies?” I was all, “I don’t.” She said, “YOU DO! WHAT ARE YOU EATING?” And like the good mom that I am, I bold faced lied and told her I had nothing and to go to bed– ALL THE WHILE CHOCOLATE BAKING CHIPS WERE MELTING IN MY HAND.

Am I sorry? Well, like I said, THESE WERE DESPERATE TIMES PEOPLE.

photo source: https://www.etsy.com/listing/119679616/im-sorry-card-humorous-card-funny-im

photo source: https://www.etsy.com/shop/PrintSmitten (click to view listing)

And now, well, now I have a headache from all the chocolate. Karma, you sneaky B.

Now– what about you? What’s your Tier Three Shame Snack?