and then I cried for 20 minutes and made my good friend Amber listen to me go on and on about what a failure I was as a parent.
I know logically that it was bound to happen– that at some point, my children would tell me that they hated me. Or that they didn’t love me anymore. I had always assumed that it would be when they were 10 and I was telling them they couldn’t spend the night somewhere or something equally life-shattering. Not when they were 5. Not when I was trying to talk to them before bedtime about the day and how I was sorry I had yelled at her earlier.
But it did happen. She turned away from me and I asked her if she was okay and she said something I don’t think I will ever forget:
“I just want you to go away.”
Stricken, I asked her why and she replied, “Because I don’t like you.”
Naturally, I left the room and began the stream of tears.
I’m sharing this with you all now, because:
I believe in letting people see the real side of parenting. It’s so easy to get caught up in the instagram and facebook way of showing life, but it’s only a fraction of what goes on. A carefully cultivated exhibit of all the good parts of life. And while if you asked me how I liked being a mom, I would without a doubt tell you it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me– but it doesn’t mean that everything is all sunshine and pinterest crafts. It’s a freaking rollercoaster of emotions, EVERYDAY. Almost every minute it seems somedays– like today. And that it’s okay.
It’s okay to have shit days where you feel like a failure as a parent.
It’s okay to fall apart every once and a while and cry your eyes out.
It’s okay to not have all the answers.
IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE PERFECT.
And just so you know, she ended up coming out of her room and I was all, “OMG, she knew I was crying and wanted to connect with me and she just NEEDED me!”…..
she came out to get her bear’s dress. Normally, I would have been upset that she was out of bed, but I was so relieved to see her that I grabbed her and hugged her and I was still kinda crying and she hugged me back and when I told her I loved her SO MUCH she said she loved me too– and then she said, “Can I go to bed now?”
Rollercoaster of emotions I tell you.